52 orange albums

album 10

speaking in tongues » talking heads

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if this album were a type of obscure injury:

trying to do the worm, failing to do the worm, exiting the party and falling down the stairs

are you a fan of david byrne's giant suit:

it scared me as a child, so yes

favorite track:

"making flippy floppy"

track that encouraged a generation's worth of awkward social proclivities:

"making flippy floppy"

okay but what about songs that aren't "making flippy floppy":

well, "moon rocks" is potentially about drug-induced psychedelic experiences, but also potentially about the time david byrne choked on a rock and lost consciousness to the point of wild hallucination, a scenario in which this album would serve as a wonderful soundtrack

suggested film pairing:

"true stories," where david byrne goes to a small texas town and makes a film that i refuse to believe is not actually just a documentary about john goodman

how orange did this album sound:

like home

. . .

album 9

+ » ed sheeran

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have you seriously never listened to this album before:

i was always a bit bothered by his eyes

if this album were an idiom:

don't judge a book by its cover, because he's probably sort of self-conscious of the eye thing

did you know anything about ed sheeran before this:

he has a baby lookalike who is not his real baby, but he also now has a real baby and that baby probably looks less like his baby than the lookalike baby looks like his baby

track that made you want to date him:

"grade 8" — i can't explain it but i get the attraction now

so the eye thing isn't an issue anymore:

it's better if we pretend he doesn't have eyes

is this where you'll say he's a good songwriter:

yes and i'm aware that in a song called "drunk" he sings "i'll be drunk again" three times in a row in the chorus

how will you feel when spotify features this entire album on your "daily mix 4" for the next six months:

i will feel bad

how orange did this album sound:

as radiant and crudely outlined as his orange kiwi bird tattoo

. . .

album 8

miles smiles » miles davis

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if this album were a piece of clothing:

the fashionable blazer i once wore to make me seem "with it" but i ended up looking like a librarian

so tell us, what's your relationship with jazz:

i like jazz in the way someone who listens to npr is supposed to like jazz but is also bothered by the sound of horns in a primal way

are you saying you don't like jazz:

i'm saying i've read "miles: the autobiography" okay

favorite track:

"circle," which makes me think of james bond busting up a cult in a speakeasy

second favorite track:

:grimace emoji:

favorite thing about miles davis:

he didn't take anybody's shit

do you think he'd care that you don't like jazz:

i never said i didn't like jazz, and no, i'm sure his deceased spirit does not care about my opinion on literally anything besides his autobiography which — i remind you — i have read and spoken highly of

how orange did this album sound:

like smooth, orange anger

. . .

album 7

dance into the light » phil collins

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if this album were a type of dude at the bar:

a self-proclaimed "nice guy" who brings up africa as a non-sequitur

why did 90s pop culture love africa so much:

at that time the entire continent of africa was easily categorized as either "safari" or "poverty," and although white people might sing about africa less often these days, we still haven't progressed past the unsettling plotline of tarzan

what does that mean:

have you thought about the ethical implications of jane's relationship with a man raised by apes

most africa-lovin' track:

"lorenzo," a bop that at first sounds like phil's simply romanticizing a trip back to east africa but is actually about a young man diagnosed with adrenoleukodystrophy, presumably in east africa

did that warm your cold heart:

only momentarily

creepiest track that you'll admit you perversely love:

"oughta know by now," in which phil collins begs for a woman to let him in... to her life? her heart? her house? you be the judge

do you think about phil collins's hair a lot:

it just seems like he's got a caillou thing going on

how orange did this album sound:

like the orange thread of a peace sign friendship bracelet from '99 that your mom kept as a trinket of your youth

. . .

album 6

heligoland » massive attack

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if this album were a bodily function:

desquamation, the shedding of superficial membranes

what about banksy:

for those out of the know, massive attack's frontman robert del naja is probably banksy, and as tacky and insufferable as that is, i'm here for it

does banksy ruin this album for you:

banksy ruins everything — but this album is still a treasure

favorite track:

"paradise circus," which is actually three different songs that have the same name and lyrics but are played in very different dismaland exhibits

track to listen to at world's end:

"pray for rain," featuring tunde adebimpe from tv on the radio, someone who can comfort us all as we watch the mushroom cloud expand over the horizon and wonder if it's a banksy installation or the actual end of human existence

did you watch the matrix because you listened to this album:

or did i watch this album because i listened to the matrix

would you recommend this album to a loved one:

only if they were mentally stable

how orange did this album sound:

like the demon glow of an apocalyptic sun

. . .

album 5

the life of pablo » kanye west

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if this album were an astrology sign:

gemini, you ignorants

what do we think about the butt on the cover:

i'm an ass girl and you know it

isn't kanye a bit out of fashion for 2019, and what about the trump thing:

who do you think i am, roger ebert? this is an album review, not an ethics review

surprisingly favorite track:

"famous," since i can't deny nefarious christmas bells and a voice like rihanna's

unsurprisingly favorite track:

"wolves" — who hasn't skulked through a suburban forest on all fours in the dead of winter blasting this song through their airpods, which i've actually been told are out of stock till september

is there anything bad about this album:

none of the songs are called "hold my liquor"

are you ever concerned that maybe kanye's music is faux-deep and you have faith in a really awful, outdated celebrity rapper:

yes, next question

would you pray to saint pablo:

father stretch my hands

how orange did this album sound:

like if someone spilled a mango slushie and a sacred image of our lady kim k appeared in the frothy bubbs

. . .

album 4

citrus » asobi seksu

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if this album were a room in a house:

the "den" where the cool people hang out and sometimes "jam" on their "guitars"

is that an inneundo or:

no, but isn't it weird that people used to call their extra living room a den, and that maybe some of you still do

are we gonna get an actual review this time:

don't hold your breath — though this one was a thoroughly enjoyable album

who is asobi seksu:

a band from the 2000s with a japanese lead singer/keyboardist whose vocals tie all loose ends together, rounding out a pleasant noise guitar with just a hint of regine chassagne/arcade fire vibrations

track most resembling early arcade fire:

"thursday," which makes me feel like i could fly right into win butler's arms

favorite track:

"pink cloud tracing paper," giving me serious flashbacks to see through dresses shows

do you sometimes imagine yourself playing a synth in a band like this in an underground nyc club:

what, no, i... yes absolutely

how orange did this album sound:

bloodily orange, like if you cut your foot at a house show and a kind stranger helped you clean and bandage your wound

. . .

album 3

louder than bombs » the smiths

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if this album were an emotion:

white guy rage heavily disguised as romantic ennui

why did i pick this album:

in the decade since "500 days of summer" came out, i figured i knew everything about the smiths — but then i saw a cool gal smoking on this cover and thought i'd give it a try

was i pleasantly surprised:


most blood-curdlingly irritating track:

"half a person" — i don't have five seconds to spare and i don't care if you booked yourself into the y....wca and trailed someone for six years, go find another victim

do i have a vendetta against morrissey:

you think i got to where i am without dating a bunch of self-absorbed, faux-emotional morrissey knockoffs

if a smiths fanboy forced me to pick a favorite track under threat of death:

"panic," cause i'd want to hang any dj who started playing the smiths

what's wrong with me:

you think i got to where i am without uselessly angering legions of rabid music lovers

would jim morrison beat morrissey in a fight:

a fist fight? yes. any other type of fight? also yes.

how orange did this album sound:

like the pale orange walls of the psych ward i'll commit myself to after i publish this review

. . .

album 2

whitney houston » whitney houston

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first off, this cover's making me feel some sort of way:

hit the spotify play button and start worshipping ms. houston on a bed of orange flowers, you plebes

if this album were a holiday:

the day you lost your virginity

best track to carelessly fling your arms into the air with blatant disregard for others' personal space:

"how will i know," described by a friend as that feeling you got in grade school on valentine's day when you put extra candy in your crush spencer's valentine box, okay yes the spencer part was my own addition

spoiler alert:

pretty sure spencer is now married anyway

were your valentine's moves too subtle for spencer or was it the fact you were a chubby red-faced third grade nerd:

definitely the latter

fittingly, the track that makes me weep:

"greatest love of all" — try not to tear up when the chorus kicks in

will this album make you sexier:

only if you practice sensually swinging your hips to "you give good love" for ten minutes twice a day

but how will i know how to properly swing my hips, molly:

if you don't feel it now, you'll never feel it

how orange did this album sound:

softly, deeply, penetratingly orange

. . .

album 1

vibras » j balvin

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what i felt while listening:

a sense of bold relief whilst the tunes flowed generously off of j balvin's beautiful colombian tongue

if this album were a smell:

a sweat-soaked body in a sandy club surrounded by anonymous people whose language you can't understand even though like half the people in the united states know spanish and you're basically the only one who can't be bothered to remember simple terms except lugar for some reason

favorite track:

"ahora," a total jam

second favorite track:

"peligrosa," reminding me of all the times people in colombia told me something was peligrosa and i did it anyway cause dumb

signature move while listening to this album:

bobbing one's head in impossibly rectangular motions

will this album make you cool:

only marginally

did i originally think this album would make me cool:

yes, till i realized j balvin is one of the most well-known contemporary musicians in colombia and he has over 42 million monthly listeners

is carla morrison just an algorithmically-generated, inordinately perfect synth voice and not a real human:


how orange did this album sound:

this shit's as orange as it gets

. . .